About

Things Started Unraveling for Stella

To all outward appearances, Stella and her spouse were a power-couple, they looked great together, and were both successful. They had three beautiful children and a fashionable home – Stella was fun, lively, and intelligent.

Excelling at work and for her family was something she thought women were supposed to do. Going the extra mile was nothing – she could easily go five. Looking in from the outside, Stella had it all.

Then things changed. There was a growing distance in her marriage (or maybe it was ‘all in her head,’ she thought). Her work schedule was demanding, and her kids began to act out at school and at home.

She had a hard time focusing, and her temper was on a short fuse. Other people weren’t doing their jobs, and she grew resentful of trying to keep everything going smoothly.

Stella Is Getting Her Peace Back

When Stella came to me, she was exhausted and felt trapped and tense most of the time.

Her confidence was depleted, and divorce proceedings were in process. Her outlook on life was bleak. She felt alone, hopeless, restless, and scared.

Here are a few shifts Stella has experienced during our work together.

…no longer gets startled easily.

…experiences deeper, more restful sleep, with fewer bouts of waking up with a racing mind.

…does not get triggered as easily and has access to calm when her ex gets angry with her.

…is doing things for her own well-being that are her choice, as opposed to doing what others think she should be doing. She listens to her own needs now. Her self-confidence is growing.

…does not lose her temper as easily and notices that her children are not acting out as much with her. She believes that their affection with her has increased as her own affection for herself has increased. She has become less reactive over little things that once would have been “too much” for her.

Jack Was ‘Boxed In’

Jack was single, focused, driven, and successful. He couldn’t remember a lot of his childhood but described that there was often yelling and constant tension between his parents. They both seemed preoccupied and stressed most of the time. He had a hard time feeling close with them and often felt in the middle of things.

He grew into his natural aptitude for sports, which won him positive attention from his dad and admiration from coaches and friends. Even with all the positive feedback he received, he still felt like an outsider, not quite good enough.

While others told him that they considered him a close friend, he didn’t feel close to anyone.

When it was time to go to college, Jack won a full-ride athletic scholarship to a prestigious college and left home as soon as he could. He immersed himself in training and keeping up his grades, which had the upside of adding to his reputation as a “good guy” and a person looked up to by others.

The downside was that his training and academics became a reason to remain distant in relationships. Even though he knew this on some level, it seemed safest to focus on what he was good at doing.

Forming Relationships Was at the Heart of Jack’s Problem

When Jack came to me, he had the experience of excelling academically and athletically, both of which had helped him find work he loved and that he did well. By all accounts he was a success and admitted that he was admired by several potential romantic partners.

He had reached a point in his life where most of the people he knew were already married and had young kids or were in long-term relationships. Everyone else’s lives seemed stable and full of the comfort of relationships and family life.

When he compared himself to others, he felt alone and defective but said that he often caught himself acting as if his life was superior to others who had families and kids. He couldn’t picture the possibility that he might become someone who let others in – it seemed too late and he “had never learned how.”

Jack Is Out of the Box

Through our work together, Jack is experiencing changes in his life.

…has less social anxiety around people to whom he is attracted.

…is now in contact with his parents on a regular basis because he wants to be and not out of guilt, as was the former reason. He has experienced some forgiveness toward both his parents and feels more affection toward them now.

…is beginning to date more regularly and is finding dating more enjoyable, as opposed to feeling so scared about someone getting to know him that he abruptly stops seeing them – which is what he used to do with people to whom he was very attracted.

…no longer sees sex as the only way to feel close to someone he dates.